One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
You Might Also Like
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early