One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit