One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
BETRAYAL
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name