One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
You Might Also Like
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.