One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
so, is there a mister shapen head
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble