One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My what?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
😂😂😂
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.