One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
This is always good for a laugh.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.