One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN