@zachreinert03: One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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@nimble__nick: *At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
@TheAlexNevil: 5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream? Me: I don't see why not. 5: Mommy said I couldn't. M: Hey, there's the why not.
@SortaBad: [babysitting] Ok well sorry I threw all your kid's toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party