@zachreinert03: One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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@lmwortho: I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
@grimpossible: Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
@ericsshadow: [at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK