One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
i really liked this one
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
inventing words: clothing
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.