One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.