@alldrolledup: One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
@MeganGetsMoney: Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
@Sammy_Sega: BAD: When your date has been in the Men's Room for 45 mins. WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says "he's not coming back"
@jazmasta: My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl's house after watching "How I Met Your Mother" with her.