One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis