One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit