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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
secret recipe
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.