One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.