@slooberbie: One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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@ilovepie84: My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
@darkmatter_wimp: At the club, a 6'1" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win.
@FakeDeanAccount: I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
@CauseWereGuys: Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.