One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I love you…
…r dog.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.