*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats