[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Cheer up.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
my name if I was in the mob
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
awkward
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.