One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”