One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Tough love is true love
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
house sitting!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
ugh not again
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.