One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs