One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Tell me you get it…🤣
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster