One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do