[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.