One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
early stone age tool
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.