@khook32: One of these days you'll see the real me.
Probably next week. I'm almost out of concealer.
@SaraESpivey: 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
@TheToddWilliams: ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
@Dank_Pal: [Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you're part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
@Staggfilms: Me: You can't fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can't quit, I fired you!
Me: You can't quit me, I'm fire!
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
@bingowings14: See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.