@khook32: One of these days you'll see the real me.
Probably next week. I'm almost out of concealer.
@monicaheisey: "the uk couldn't POSSIBLY leave"
"trump couldn't POSSIBLY be president"
"we couldn't POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity"
@DadandBuried: I'm more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say "uh-oh!" from another room.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!
@Matt_The_1st: <--- only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that's not a giraffe
Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral