heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there