@khook32: One of these days you'll see the real me.
Probably next week. I'm almost out of concealer.
@mikeym00n: my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
@tarashoe: well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
@NightTraumaDoc: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys