[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket