One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Stop sending me this shit.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas