One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.