One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”