One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores