@solikebasically: One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
@Sassafrantz: My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.
@jergarl: Wife: What ARE you doing? Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what's it look like? W: Making the dog nervous.
@TheRobCee: [labels account "18+"] [tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]