“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.