One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly