one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies