This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
#dalle2
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax