One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Godspeed, John Glenn
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.