me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.