@U_Want_Shum_M8: One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
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@arealliveghost: if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
@JustDontBugMe: Her: Those ants are working so hard. Me: We could learn from them. Ant1: Humans are staring. Ant2: Yes, they'll spray some shit on us. Run!
@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!