@U_Want_Shum_M8: One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
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@CorkyKneivel: Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders. And none of them ever call me again.
@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
@Vodkantots: "How much for the supermodel?" *winks seductively "Ma'am, that's a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke."
@TommyKarate: Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990's.