‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.