the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Once again not all heroes wear capes
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em