One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready