One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
You Might Also Like
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.