One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.