one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
yeah no that’s fair
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person