One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now