One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that