@crushingbort: one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell
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@bourgeoisalien: 5 years ago when 'House of Cards' started we said, 'That's so scary.' Now Trump is here and we're like, 'hahaha, House of Cards is adorable'
@miss_foofoo: Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I'd like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
@Supafunkadunka: If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don't be rude. Take a little bite.