The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.