Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
yall want some gasoline milk
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
incredible book dedication
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit