one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE