One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Ron is short for Aaronald
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.