One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Super Hand Dog Face
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.